Welcome to the absolute worst week of my 2012 so far, aka Finals Week, aka the week you take a bunch of tests that make you wish you were dead and if you fail them all, you really will be and then you will lose your scholarships and never be able to come back to New York and you will be doomed to a life of being average and eating all your feelings until you are 600 pounds and no one will love you but your 25 cats and the only good part of that scenario is that you have 25 cats.

I haven’t been dealing with this semester’s week of hell very well so far. I’m experiencing emotional breakdowns daily so horrific they are curable only by singing along to One Direction through my tears before succumbing to hours of Netflix so that Michael Scott can ease my pain. I’ve consumed so much chocolate that I am now capable of starring in my own Willy Wonka remake. Today, when I went to Dunkin Donuts and asked for extra sugar in my large iced mocha latte, the lady behind the counter said, “really, sweetie? Extra sugar?” and all I could do was nod shamefully… and then nod even more shamefully when she asked if I also wanted whipped cream.

The tone she was using was exactly the same as the one they use at McDonalds when I order three cheeseburgers in the  drive thru but only one drink so the guy at the window knows they’re all for me.

Dealing with the high stress of finals week is even worse when you’re on your own. I’m pretty introverted and like having fictional friends more than real ones, so I haven’t really built an emotional support system in the city yet. My poor roommate, Jenn, tries so hard to cheer me up by playing episodes of My Strange Addiction for me on her laptop to distract me with adult babies and girls who eat tape, but it’s just not enough.

And you never realize how difficult it is to NOT be able to go home and hug your mommy after a rough day. I really, really need to hug my mommy. And I don’t care who knows it.

I know a lot of us are experiencing this crappy, crappy moment in our lives right now–  the week that makes you feel as bad as a whole year of periods combined– so I wanted to share what I’ve learned about dealing with it with the class.

So here it is: my guide to surviving finals week.

1. Listen to calming music. For me, Bon Iver is perfect, because while his music is soothing I have literally no idea what he’s saying and that requires me to look up his lyrics, which are quite depressing. This leads me to feel sorry for Bon Iver, despite his Grammy, rather than feeling sorry for myself, and creates an additional five to ten minutes of distraction as I try to figure out how to correctly pronounce his name.

2. Scroll through gifs of One Direction on Tumblr. Then copy and paste links to all of them to your friends’ Facebook walls. This way, you can brighten up your own day AND someone else’s.  Then wonder if Niall would renounce his Irish citizenship to marry you and move to the US. Time well spent.

3. Cry a little.

4. Become nostalgic for your youth. Remember your pretty, comfy pink bedroom at  home and how easy your life was there. A girl and her Netflix account against a small, nonthreatening world.

5. Don’t pick off all your nail polish out of stress. Essie stopped making Mint Candy Apple, so your supply is not unlimited. And no one will ever be your friend if your nails look like that (well, and for assorted other reasons).

6. Look at John Krasinski. You’re welcome.

7. Call your mom.

8. Cry a lot.

9. Have a long, drawn out conversation with your Little Mermaid doll, and end it on bad terms when you disagree that life on land is, in fact, inferior to life in the sea because in the sea there is no college so there are no finals. Argue with her until she agrees to swap your legs for her fins.

10. Consider dropping out. Google careers you can have without a college education. Think about becoming a funeral director. It looked like fun in My Girl.

11. Wonder what would happen if you spent your entire bank account on Crumbs cupcakes and dealt with the consequences later. Would your mom still welcome you home for the summer?

12. Think about how much you wish you were Zooey Deschanel. Not just because she’s adorable, funny, and has your dream wardrobe, but mostly because she is not studying for finals.

13. Refresh your Tumblr dash. Again.

14. Ignore Ariel’s mocking looks. Hide her under your pillow when they’re too piercing to ignore.

15. Eat all the food in your room.

I didn’t say it was a guide to acing all your finals. I said it would keep you alive.